Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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