I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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