tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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