walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Is this like a preordered booty call?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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