i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
