Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
So many bounce houses so little time
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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