His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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