so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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