I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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