I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
