I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
