i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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