my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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