Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
