I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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