I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
