i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
