My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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