I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
