I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
