Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
