We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
