I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
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