This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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