He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
