The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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