Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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