Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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