it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
