I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
