toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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