hell yes lets make some ravioli
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Randomize
