Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
