didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
