I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
