I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
