the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
