the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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