You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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