i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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