i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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