The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
