Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
