we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
