Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
