he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
