My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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