Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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