You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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