Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
