and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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