I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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