I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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