and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
