the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
