If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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