Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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