If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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