My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
